Do you ever feel completely misunderstood?? ... Unknown??... Lost??... Frustrated and confused about who you are, while trying to be who others want you to be?? Well, I have been there... in fact I am walking through that time right now. I figured that since I've been in this place for so long it might begin to be helpful to write it all down and process it out. If you've stumbled upon this journal than perhaps (and hopefully) God brought you to this place and wants to give you comfort in the fact that you are not alone... and you can walk this journey with me:) That't the beauty of the body of Christ and of friendships... the light shines in the darkness and as we have honest conversations and allow vulnerability, we realize that though we feel all alone, we actually are going through the same thing that others are going through! Sometimes it's just a bit scary to bring it up and actually admit it.
It's hard to admit our imperfections, isnt it?? We all know that no one is perfect... and yet we walk around oftentimes trying to put on a face that suggests we have everything all together. Especially in church! We go there and it seems like EVERYONE around us has it all together. But let me tell you something very refreshing and VERY true...
NO ONE has it all together. We are all sinners in need of grace and thank you Jesus, that grace is open and available for us each time we choose to cry out for it.
Back to the journey... We wont walk it perfectly... I have failed every day. But I will not give up and I plan to come out of it stronger than I was before, I pray that you do too.
Let me bring you up to speed on where I am at and how I got to this place...
My husband Ben and I got married on June 4, 2011 in Eden Prairie, Minnesota (that's where I was born and raised). After our honeymoon we moved to Lago Vista,Texas for a little over a year. After that year we moved to Riverside, California in the beginning of August 2012. We moved because I got a job as a Resident Director at California Baptist University. Being a Resident Director had been a job that intrigued me. I have always felt that working with young women was what the Lord was calling me to do. After going through the application process and actually being offered the job Ben and I felt that it was where the Lord was leading us to go. I got the job working in an all female apartment living area. My first year was definitely rough, humbling, and amazing all at the same time. I oversaw a college apartment complex of 230 sophomore, junior and senior women. My staff consisted of 9 college women. Thankfully my staff was incredible! I could not have asked for more amazingly gracious, kind, helpful and caring women. They are what made my job easy the first year.
The most difficult part since moving here has been my struggle to find who I am and who God has called me to be. Yes, they are one in the same... although sometimes it just seems to be a big blurred mess and I cant tell who I am, from who I want to be, who others want me to be, and who GOD says that He created me to be. Confusing, right?? I know. And that is the tangled web that I weave.
Why is it that other peoples opinions matter so much?!
Since moving out here I have sought to find my place and establish myself among my fellow RD's, at a church, with my in-laws, in my marriage and with my RA's. After a year I feel like there's been little-to-no progress in most of those areas. While I have a wonderful husband who blesses me each day and a great marriage, there is still such a large void in where I'm at right now and it doesn't quite make sense.
In the beginning after moving here I sought out others and tried to plan things in order to make friends. It got more and more discouraging when people were normally busy with their own lives and plans. I understood it completely, they had lives here before we came and they had a lot more to do than Ben and I did. But that didn't make it any easier. I desire close friendships, people to laugh with and let my hair down with... I desire deep, challenging and meaningful conversations but those take time... And apparently I'm impatient! It seems that no matter where I go, or who I am with... I feel lost, unknown and misunderstood. Wherever I go I get the feeling that no one really knows me, they don't know my family, my background or really anything that makes me, ME.
Although that shouldn't matter, it really does. It's hard going to a place where no one knows me after growing up with the same people my whole life...people who knew me and loved me because they knew who I was.
No one here knows anything about the real me, at least that's how it feels.
Who knew that making quality friends was so difficult? (Not to say that the people I'm around aren't quality... they TRULY are! It's just that I'm finding a hard time fitting in with them and feeling comfortable to be myself with them. And there are some differing beliefs, so I don't want to get too deep sometimes).
I used to be a social butterfly; talking with people and making new friends was never a challenge for me. Now I seem to care way too much about what others are thinking of me and I try to fit myself into their mold of who I should be.
The truth is, I don't want to apologize for who I am, and I don't want to compromise the things I know to be true and Biblical. In fact, I want to stand strong in my faith and what I believe...It's worth it to stand out for Christ and be different. But often times I feel like it's not because of my faith, but simply because of my self pity...
All TOO often I find myself feeling like the odd man out and wishing that others understood my heart. But why?? It doesn't really matter if they know my heart or not! The Lord knows my heart and that should be enough.
Shouldn't it??
It never feels like enough.
I feel like I am walking around trying to prove myself and it's exhausting!
I had never been an emotional eater, I was always pretty good at self control when it came to food consumption. I am very health conscious and like to stay healthy and fit by working out and eating right. But because the stress of my job, the loneliness, emptiness and feelings of inadequacy, failure and feeling unknown, I began to just let go of my self control. Instead of caring and being careful about what I ate... I would basically just eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to the point of being so full I felt sick. It didn't help at all, in fact it made things worse because than I began gaining weight and not fitting as well into my clothes! Now in addition to all the other things I felt... I started feeling gross about my body and the way I was treating it, but I couldn't stop. And to be honest, this way of eating has continued to some extent and I'm still trying to balance myself and get back on a healthy diet for my body.
I have felt convicted many times by the fact that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, but even that hasn't been enough to overpower the lostness that I feel and the lack of self control I established. I have to channel my emotions in a better way, but honestly sometimes eating too many cookies, candy and ice cream seems like a good solution in the moment. Unfortunately, that moment only lasts about a minute.
So where do I go from here? It feels like I have gone round and round in circles since moving here. It's almost as if I've been on a roller coaster ride this whole time; I've had my emotional ups and downs and now I'm at the end of the ride, back at the start wondering how I haven't made ANY progress after an entire year.
Something needs to change.
I guess the change starts here. Life is all about making choices. We get to choose how to live our days, what to eat, what to wear, and ultimately how our lives will look. If we constantly focus on the bad.... that is all we will see. But if we begin to appreciate and focus on the good, life will have a whole different outlook.
7/18/13
It really doesn't matter what everyone else around me thinks... my goal is to bring glory, honor and praise to my Lord and Savior and live each day for HIM only.
So starting today... my goal is going to be to pay attention to the things around me that I love, enjoy and the beauty around me. Trying not think about the people around me that may misunderstand me, or not like who I am...
I am me... I am a daughter of Christ and who I am is who God created me to be...being myself is all I can do. I am called to make disciples of Christ and share His love with others, not to make other people like me.
Easier said than done, I know! ... but this is what I will seek to live my life by... join me in focusing on and seeking to please the ONE opinion that really matters.
