Only ONE opinion matters

7/17/13
Do you ever feel completely misunderstood?? ... Unknown??... Lost??... Frustrated and confused about who you are, while trying to be who others want you to be?? Well, I have been there... in fact I am walking through that time right now. I figured that since I've been in this place for so long it might begin to be helpful to write it all down and process it out. If you've stumbled upon this journal than perhaps (and hopefully) God brought you to this place and wants to give you comfort in the fact that you are not alone... and you can walk this journey with me:) That't the beauty of the body of Christ and of friendships... the light shines in the darkness and as we have honest conversations and allow vulnerability, we realize that though we feel all alone, we actually are going through the same thing that others are going through! Sometimes it's just a bit scary to bring it up and actually admit it.

It's hard to admit our imperfections, isnt it?? We all know that no one is perfect... and yet we walk around oftentimes trying to put on a face that suggests we have everything all together. Especially in church! We go there and it seems like EVERYONE around us has it all together. But let me tell you something very refreshing and VERY true...

NO ONE has it all together. We are all sinners in need of grace and thank you Jesus, that grace is open and available for us each time we choose to cry out for it.

Back to the journey... We wont walk it perfectly... I have failed every day. But I will not give up and I plan to come out of it stronger than I was before, I pray that you do too.

Let me bring you up to speed on where I am at and how I got to this place...

 My husband Ben and I got married on June 4, 2011 in Eden Prairie, Minnesota (that's where I was born and raised). After our honeymoon we moved to Lago Vista,Texas for a little over a year. After that year we moved to Riverside, California in the beginning of August 2012. We moved because I got a job as a Resident Director at California Baptist University. Being a Resident Director had been a job that intrigued me. I have always felt that working with young women was what the Lord was calling me to do. After going through the application process and actually being offered the job Ben and I felt that it was where the Lord was leading us to go. I got the job working in an all female apartment living area. My first year was definitely rough, humbling, and amazing all at the same time. I oversaw a college apartment complex of 230 sophomore, junior and senior women. My staff consisted of 9 college women. Thankfully my staff was incredible! I could not have asked for more amazingly gracious, kind, helpful and caring women. They are what made my job easy the first year.

The most difficult part since moving here has been my struggle to find who I am and who God has called me to be. Yes, they are one in the same... although sometimes it just seems to be a big blurred mess and I cant tell who I am, from who I want to be, who others want me to be, and who GOD says that He created me to be. Confusing, right?? I know. And that is the tangled web that I weave.

Why is it that other peoples opinions matter so much?! 

Since moving out here I have sought to find my place and establish myself among my fellow RD's, at a church, with my in-laws, in my marriage and with my RA's. After a year I feel like there's been little-to-no progress in most of those areas. While I have a wonderful husband who blesses me each day and a great marriage, there is still such a large void in where I'm at right now and it doesn't quite make sense.

 In the beginning after moving here I sought out others and tried to plan things in order to make friends. It got more and more discouraging when people were normally busy with their own lives and plans. I understood it completely, they had lives here before we came and they had a lot more to do than Ben and I did. But that didn't make it any easier. I desire close friendships, people to laugh with and let my hair down with... I desire deep, challenging and meaningful conversations but those take time... And apparently I'm impatient! It seems that no matter where I go, or who I am with... I feel lost, unknown and misunderstood. Wherever I go I get the feeling that no one really knows me, they don't know my family, my background or really anything that makes me, ME.

Although that shouldn't matter, it really does. It's hard going to a place where no one knows me after growing up with the same people my whole life...people who knew me and loved me because they knew who I was.

No one here knows anything about the real me, at least that's how it feels. 
Who knew that making quality friends was so difficult? (Not to say that the people I'm around aren't quality... they TRULY are! It's just that I'm finding a hard time fitting in with them and feeling comfortable to be myself with them. And there are some differing beliefs, so I don't want to get too deep sometimes).

I used to be a social butterfly; talking with people and making new friends was never a challenge for me. Now I seem to care way too much about what others are thinking of me and I try to fit myself into their mold of who I should be.

The truth is, I don't want to apologize for who I am, and I don't want to compromise the things I know to be true and Biblical. In fact, I want to stand strong in my faith and what I believe...It's worth it to stand out for Christ and be different. But often times I feel like it's not because of my faith, but simply because of my self pity...

All TOO often I find myself feeling like the odd man out and wishing that others understood my heart. But why??  It doesn't really matter if they know my heart or not! The Lord knows my heart and that should be enough.

 Shouldn't it??

It never feels like enough.

I feel like I am walking around trying to prove myself and it's exhausting!


  I had never been an emotional eater, I was always pretty good at self control when it came to food consumption. I am very health conscious and like to stay healthy and fit by working out and eating right. But because the stress of my job, the loneliness, emptiness and feelings of inadequacy, failure and feeling unknown, I began to just let go of my self control. Instead of caring and being careful about what I ate... I would basically just eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to the point of being so full I felt sick. It didn't help at all, in fact it made things worse because than I began gaining weight and not fitting as well into my clothes! Now in addition to all the other things I felt... I started feeling gross about my body and the way I was treating it, but I couldn't stop. And to be honest, this way of eating has continued to some extent and I'm still trying to balance myself and get back on a healthy diet for my body.

I have felt convicted many times by the fact that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, but even that hasn't been enough to overpower the lostness that I feel and the lack of self control I established. I have to channel my emotions in a better way, but honestly sometimes eating too many cookies, candy and ice cream seems like a good solution in the moment. Unfortunately, that moment only lasts about a minute.


So where do I go from here?  It feels like I have gone round and round in circles since moving here. It's almost as if I've been on a roller coaster ride this whole time; I've had my emotional ups and downs and now I'm at the end of the ride, back at the start wondering how I haven't made ANY progress after an entire year.

Something needs to change. 

I guess the change starts here. Life is all about making choices. We get to choose how to live our days, what to eat, what to wear, and ultimately how our lives will look. If we constantly focus on the bad.... that is all we will see. But if we begin to appreciate and focus on the good, life will have a whole different outlook.

7/18/13 
It really doesn't matter what everyone else around me thinks... my goal is to bring glory, honor and praise to my Lord and Savior and live each day for HIM only.

So starting today... my goal is going to be to pay attention to the things around me that I love, enjoy and the beauty around me. Trying not think about the people around me that may misunderstand me, or not like who I am...

I am me... I am a daughter of Christ and who I am is who God created me to be...being myself is all I can do. I am called to make disciples of Christ and share His love with others, not to make other people like me.

Easier said than done, I know! ... but this is what I will seek to live my life by... join me in focusing on and seeking to please the ONE opinion that really matters.

Accepting that without God I am nothing

What if everything fell from underneath you? What if all of the walls and masks you put up came down, were torn from you and you were left standing naked without anything to cover who you really were? Sounds horrible doesn’t it?  The truth is that I don’t want to be found out for who I truly am.  I fear being found out.  I know that I am not what I was created to be and surely not who I want to be.  I know that there is so much potential inside of me and yet, I can never reach it.   When everything is torn from underneath and I am left with just myself and nowhere to hide, I am afraid of what people will see and think of me. Will they still love me if they knew______? What would they think of me if they knew ______ about me?! They surely cannot know that I’m not perfect! I don’t want to be found out for who I truly am; I am not enough.

 

Sure, we may put up walls; we may work our entire lives building up the person who we want to, or wish we were for everyone around us. We want to look the part; we want to be the person that everyone loves and look up to. We want to be admired, and leave a positive impression on those that we come into contact with.  We want to make a difference.

 

So I compare myself to those around me; trying to measure up, compete and prove something to SOMEONE. Because of the intense pressure and competition I begin to build myself up with my talents, gifts, achievements, appearance, wealth, vehicles, homes, family, ANYTHING that will build me up a few notches over the person next to me.  As long as I am beating SOMEONE I must be doing ok right?? Why does life always seem to be one big competition?  We forget that life is not meant to be about competing and measuring up to someone else or someone else’s standards.  Who cares what other people think of us, they should have no say and no authority in our lives…  Though I will battle back and forth pretending that I don’t, I do care what other people think of me; I wonder what they see when they look at me and I hope that they see the good in me. I often find myself looking at other people and comparing their beauty, their body image, their clothes, their circumstances to my own.  I find myself being envious of some and wishing I had ____, and I find myself a little boosted when I see others because in some sort of way I have judged that I am better than them. WHAT?  Why do I do this?  Doesn’t scripture even say that we will be judged according to our own judgments?  Well, that is NOT good news for me. All too often I take the place of God, I people watch and without realizing it, I compare myself to each person that walks in front of me.  Where does this come from? Why would I do something that either brings me down, or puts other people down in my mind?  Somehow I enjoy it and am entertained by it,  I hate that.  I believe it is because when it comes down to it I am trying to figure out if I am enough; I am trying to figure if I measure up to those around me and if I have what it takes to succeed in this life. The world has sent me on a wild goose chase.  I hear the constant screaming at me from the TV, movies, billboards, magazines, etc., the screaming is telling me how I should look and what I NEED in order to be happy and succeed in life.  And the search continues… because the search is one without life and there will never be a point where I reach that which I am searching for.  This search leaves me feeling like I don’t have what it takes because clearly I’m not succeeding like those around me.  I search around me and compare in order to see if those around me “have it” or not.  Clearly I don’t have it… that is what I keep hearing and I can’t seem to find it;  maybe looking at those around me will help me figure out how to get what I need.  I keep searching, I keep hoping; hoping that my efforts, work or my gifts will somehow be enough and I will reach that (impossible) height of success and happiness.

 

 It’s a lost cause. I will never find what I am looking for that way.

 

When I finally realized that this search has been full of air, false hopes and dreams, I believe I began the true journey to discover who I am. Might I add that this journey is no simple skip through the flowers either.  This journey may be even more difficult than the first, but in a different way.  Once I realize that who I am has NOTHING to do with what I do, how much I accomplish, how successful I am at work, how much I exercise, how often I volunteer, how much those around like me, how big my home is, how successful my (future) children are, how skinny I am, how smart I am, etc., than I can begin the true journey to discovering who I am In Christ. I cannot define myself on anything apart from Christ. I cannot hold up all of my efforts and accomplishments in order to tell me who I am; those things say nothing about me. Yes, those things are mostly good, but they are not what define me, and they cannot be what is holding me up; I cannot depend on those things to define me.

 

Things that can be taken away from us cannot be what define us.  What happens when they are taken away?  What if you are the star athlete of a soccer team and suddenly you lose your ability to run?  What would define you? Would you suddenly lose all worth and value to your life? Would you feel lost and confused about who you are?! And what if you are the VP of a major corporation that suddenly goes bankrupt? Your success and high income no longer exist…what defines you?  What if you are dating this amazing person and you define yourself based off of that relationship; suddenly the relationship is broken off, can you find yourself and your value even though you don’t have that relationship to define you?

 

Maybe your identity hasn’t been placed in a sport or career.  Maybe it is something seemingly simple and so small that you haven’t even realized it.  Maybe you can do things on your own and you don’t need God because you are already talented, naturally gifted. Frankly, things come easily to you so you havent actually had to worry about any of this stuff.

 

No matter how sturdy any of those things seem to be, they can and will fall.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to stand when the things and achievements that we are standing on can easily fall and crumble beneath our own two feet. No matter what it is, whether a talent, gift, experience, accomplishment, ANYTHING apart from God cannot define us.

 

Our identity has to be solely in the Lord and who he says we are; we can never be stripped of that.

 

This is a hard lesson to learn.  No matter who you are, at some point you have placed your identity and defined yourself based upon different experiences, accomplishments, talents, etc., in your life.  It is not something you do intentionally; most often you won’t even realize you have done it.   But if you truly desire to become who God has created you to be, he will begin to strip you of the things that you have built your identity upon that is not him. He will take away the things that you depended on because He wants you to depend solely on Him. He will strip you of the things that you felt strong in in order to teach you that apart from him you are not strong.  It is only in His strength that you can accomplish anything.  Sure, for a short time you are capable of doing things on your own, but sooner or later those THINGS will be knocked from underneath you and you will be forced to choose what you will do. Will you search for another mask and hide yourself in something else in order to keep up the face of someone who has it all together? Or will you surrender and humbly acknowledge that you need God’s strength and without him you are nothing.  The latter is painful, but it takes you through a beautiful process of changing and becoming the person that God has created you to be.  Yes, it is painful to see that you are not who you thought you were. It is painful to realize that all you had built up has fallen to nothing.  It is difficult to see that the positive things that categorized and defined you, no longer exist and you are left standing naked in front of others… and you have nothing to hide behind. You may be forced to just be yourself and that is the best thing. It is ok if you are not perfect, to be perfect is an unrealistic expectation. And if those around you expect that of you, maybe you need new friends.  The true friends will see the real you, the broken and imperfect person, and they will embrace you as you are. And hopefully, God willing, they will feel the freedom to embrace their own imperfections and see that they are in need of God’s strength and begin to depend on him for grace and strength as well.

 

 It is a hard process but I believe this is where we need to come to in order to truly recognize that we are NOTHING without God.  This is where we find who we truly are and begin to discover who our God is. I believe that this is often where we need to be brought in order to realize our complete dependence on God. It is during this time that we come humbly before the Lord because we have recognized our own failures and imperfections and we can no longer hide from them. They have been put in front of our face and we can no longer hide behind the walls we have put up for so long. We can no longer hide behind our strengths because for some reason they are not there.  You don’t know where to grab hold of because everything you were holding on to has disappeared.  Grab hold of God, his strength will get you through each and every day.   As you do this you will slowly and painfully begin to embrace and come face to face with who God is creating you to be.  Be ready to embrace the imperfections and be willing to admit that you are completely dependent on God and apart from him you can do nothing.

 

Lord, teach us not to run away from our imperfections, but rather to embrace them and bring them to you. Give us strength each day, help us to look to you for strength and guidance in this life. WIthout you, we can do nothing. You are our source of all that is good within us and I pray that you would help each and every one of us to keep our eyes focused and fixed on you. Teach us Lord, lead us and guide us. Strip away our masks and unveil who you have created us to be and may we be ok being completely dependent upon you. We love you Lord. We honor you and thank you for your love and for who you are. It is in Jesus name I pray all these things, amen.

The body of Christ: Where do I fit?

Did you know that YOU are important? 

YOU are essential.

YOU are needed.

YOU are loved.

YOU are irreplaceable.

.    Read those top five lines again.

Read them as many times as you need. You need to begin believing them.


It feels good to feel important doesn't it?

It feels good to feel a part of something bigger than yourself and have a key purpose in it.

But do you believe it?? 


Do you believe you are an important part to the body of Christ?? 


Do you believe that without you, the body doesn't function entirely as it should?

It's true. Without you, God's purposes in and through the church are not complete.You are a part of the body of Christ, designed with gifts, talents, desires, dreams, and abilities that were placed in you purposefully by the creator of the universe. How cool, right?  God has put you on this earth with a purpose.  He has a specific plan for YOU. So without you, the plan is not exactly as it was created to be.

What are your gifts?

What do you feel you have to contribute for God's glory and purpose here on earth?


Maybe you don't know. That is a common theme among many.


When someone is trying to help you discover your gifts and talents, they may ask, "Well, what are you GOOD at?" or "What do you enjoy doing?!" 


Silence...


What happens if I truly don't know??


So I dig deep and try to figure out what I have in me to offer the world around me. What am I good at?  Do I even have anything to offer? Sure, there are things I enjoy doing. I like reading, I like cooking, I like learning, I like the IDEA of a lot of different things; but that doesn't mean I'm good at them. It doesn't mean that those are things I'm gifted in.  So does that mean I don't have any gifts? 


Sadly, all too often I feel that is the truth and stand deceived.  I spend my time thinking about the things I would like to be good at, or the things I wish I could change about myself... and rarely spend my time focusing on my strengths, seeing them for what they are, and working to make them stronger. 


Today as I was reading in 1 Corinthians 12 I felt like this is something that is KEY for us to take in and believe as truth:



"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by^[a] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free —and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.
¹⁵ Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body.
²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, ²⁴ while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, ²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. ²⁸ And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰ Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues^[b]? Do all interpret? ³¹ Now eagerly desire the greater gifts.



 As I read this, I thought about myself, and the people who all too often discount themselves, their gifts and where they fit into the body of Christ.  Maybe they feel like a toe, and wish they were a hand that actually DOES things and seems essential to the body's function. "I am not an eye, I am just a toe... and what does a toe even do??"  Maybe you feel like you have nothing to offer and don't know where to go with your life. 


Maybe you feel like you truly are not good at anything.


Take heart. The Word of God speaks the truth and it says that "YOU ARE THE BODY OF CHRIST AND EACH ONE OF YOU IS A PART OF IT." (vs. 27) So maybe you don't shine in the spotlight and have glorious gifts that allow everyone to see how great you are, but your gifts and who you are, are essential and NEEDED in order for the body of Christ to function as it was created to.


Verse 22 states that the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, (I take that as essential!) You are essential! The body CANNOT function without you and your gifts. The weaker, less glorious parts and gifts are what complete the body as a whole.


 And hear this, if you are trying to be someone else, or trying to change yourself, the place where you fit and are needed is missing YOU.  It makes a difference when you are not functioning and using the gifts God has given you...Dont compare yourself to those around you, they have also been given specific gifts and their strengths are not yours.


Still feel like you have nothing to offer?

Maybe you still feel like you aren't sure what you are gifted and talented at.  Ask God to show you. Seek him. Your gifts will not be the same as the person next to you, and the only way to find out about yourself is to seek the one who created you and knows you best.

Verse 31 says "Now eagerly desire the greater gifts." I'm no Biblical scholar, but I took this and ran with it.  For me it meant that if I desire and ask God for specific gifts, he will work in me and develop those gifts. For example: I have a heart and desire to have the gift of hospitality.  Unfortunately, hospitality is NOT something that comes naturally to me and it is not easy.  I believe that God gave me the desire for hospitality, so I frequently ask him to help me and to develop it in me.  He has provided different ways that have challenged me and helped me to learn to slowly develop this gift.  It has not been easy; especially since it does not come naturally,but I do believe God has given me this desire and if I want to develop and strengthen it, it will not just suddenly appear in me, it needs to be learned and practiced.

So maybe God has given you a heart for something but you don't feel like you are any good at it, ask him to teach you and develop that in you.

And please don't forget, the behind the scenes, less glamorous jobs, the serving, the loving, the humility, the things that sometimes seem unimportant, useless and unnoticed are the ones that are essential! God sees your heart, he sees your service and every single thing you do for others even when no one else may notice. And also remember, we are not doing things to receive glory or recognition from the people around us... Their praise is not what we should be after... We are serving and honoring the Lord with our gifts, so if he is the only one that ever sees the things you do, that is really all that matters.

You are talented.  You are gifted.  Who YOU are is important and essential to the body of Christ.  Ask God to show you what he has gifted you with.  Seek and desire gifts that you believe you have, and ones that you believe God has put on your heart for a reason. Trust God as he works in you and through you to develop and strengthen you according to his plans for your life.

Be blessed, and continue to seek your creator. He loves you and longs to spend time with you.  He LOOKS forward to your times together.

"Do not worry..."

^{Matthew 6: 25-34}

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Quick thoughts:

Unfortunately, my life is consumed with worry way more often than it should be.  I worry about the future, I wonder where Ben and I will live, and what we will do.  I think about things that are so far off and it doesnt quite make sense to think about them now.  Not only that, but sometimes I find myself worrying about something that doesn't have to be done until tomorrow, or the next day... maybe next week.  Sometimes it's something so little, but it consumes my mind. And my mind overflows as I think about all the things that I need to get done! Then I hear the quiet and faint whisper in my ear saying,

 "My child, Live in the present. Don't focus on things that you cannot do anything about right now. Don't put more on yourself than you can handle. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. Allow me to carry those burdens. Come to me. Come to me and I will give you rest from your thoughts and worries. My yoke is easy and my burden is light... Come, come and give me your worries and concerns. I will take them and turn them into peace.Those things are not something you need to think about or worry about right now. Focus on today; focus on Me. Live for today. Live in the moment, live right where you are. Enjoy the day. Enjoy each moment. Just take each day one day at a time."

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Yes, take each day one at a time. 

You can't do anything today or right now about the things in the future, so why worry about them? 

Give your worries and thoughts to Him.  He does not want you to carry more than you can handle. He does not want you to carry the things that are not meant for you to carry. Release them to Him and allow him to give you peace, rest and joy in each and every day.

Blessings to you! May God grant you peace and rest for your weary or tired souls. 

I come Humbled....

I hate feeling like I can hold nothing together. I hate feeling like I have no clue how to proceed or how to be the person I wish I was, the wife I desire to be for Ben... But I also find hope from that because I know that it is in these times that Christ can be my strength and be strong through me...


"...he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

What if everything fell from underneath you? What if all of the walls and masks you put up came down, were torn from you and you were left standing naked without anything to cover who you really were? Sounds horrible doesn’t it?  The truth is that I don’t want to be found out for who I truly am.  I fear being found out.  I know that I am not what I was created to be and surely not who I want to be.  I know that there is so much potential inside of me and yet, I can never reach it.   When everything is torn from underneath and I am left with just myself and nowhere to hide, I am afraid of what people will see and think of me. Will they still love me if they knew______? What would they think of me if they knew ______ about me?! They surely cannot know that I’m not perfect! I don’t want to be found out for who I truly am; I am not enough.

Sure, we may put up walls; we may work our entire lives building up the person who we want to, or wish we were for everyone around us. We want to look the part; we want to be the person that everyone loves and look up to. We want to be admired, and leave a positive impression on those that we come into contact with.  We want to make a difference.

So I compare myself to those around me; trying to measure up, compete and prove something to SOMEONE. Because of the intense pressure and competition I begin to build myself up with my talents, gifts, achievements, appearance, wealth, vehicles, homes, family, ANYTHING that will build me up a few notches over the person next to me.  As long as I am beating SOMEONE I must be doing ok right?? Why does life always seem to be one big competition?  We forget that life is not meant to be about competing and measuring up to someone else or someone else’s standards.  Who cares what other people think of us, they should have no say and no authority in our lives…  Though I will battle back and forth pretending that I don’t, I do care what other people think of me; I wonder what they see when they look at me and I hope that they see the good in me. I often find myself looking at other people and comparing their beauty, their body image, their clothes, their circumstances to my own.  I find myself being envious of some and wishing I had ____, and I find myself a little boosted when I see others because in some sort of way I have judged that I am better than them. WHAT?  Why do I do this?  Doesn’t scripture even say that we will be judged according to our own judgments?  Well, that is NOT good news for me (Matthew 7:1-4).  All too often I try to take the place of God, I people watch and without realizing it, I compare myself to each person that walks in front of me.  Where does this come from? Why would I do something that either brings me down, or puts other people down in my mind?  Somehow I enjoy it and am entertained by it,  I hate that.  I believe it is because when it comes down to it I am trying to figure out if I am enough; I am trying to figure if I measure up to those around me and if I have what it takes to succeed in this life. The world has sent me on a wild goose chase.  I hear the constant screaming at me from the TV, movies, billboards, magazines, etc., the screaming is telling me how I should look and what I NEED in order to be happy and succeed in life.  And the search continues… because the search is one without life and there will never be a point where I reach that which I am searching for.  This search leaves me feeling like I don’t have what it takes because clearly I’m not succeeding like those around me.  I search around me and compare in order to see if those around me “have it” or not.  Clearly I don’t have it… that is what I keep hearing and I can’t seem to find it;  maybe looking at those around me will help me figure out how to get what I need.  I keep searching, I keep hoping; hoping that my efforts, work or my gifts will somehow be enough and I will reach that (impossible) height of success and happiness.

 It’s a lost cause. I will never find what I am looking for that way.

When I finally realized that this search has been full of air, false hopes and dreams, I believe I began the true journey to discover who I am. Might I add that this journey is no simple skip through the flowers either.  This journey may be even more difficult than the first, but in a different way.  Once I realize that who I am has NOTHING to do with what I do, how much I accomplish, how successful I am at work, how much I exercise, how often I volunteer, how much those around like me, how big my home is, how successful my (future) children are, how skinny I am, how smart I am, etc., than I can begin the true journey to discovering who I am In Christ. I cannot define myself on anything apart from Christ. I cannot hold up all of my efforts and accomplishments in order to tell me who I am; those things say nothing about me. Yes, those things are mostly good, but they are not what define me, and they cannot be what is holding me up; I cannot depend on those things to define me.

Things that can be taken away from us cannot be what define us.  What happens when they are taken away?  What if you are the star athlete of a soccer team and suddenly you lose your ability to run?  What would define you? Would you suddenly lose all worth and value to your life? Would you feel lost and confused about who you are?! And what if you are the VP of a major corporation that suddenly goes bankrupt? Your success and high income no longer exist…what defines you?  What if you are dating this amazing person and you define yourself based off of that relationship; suddenly the relationship is broken off, can you find yourself and your value even though you don’t have that relationship to define you?

Maybe your identity hasn’t been placed in a sport or career.  Maybe it is something seemingly simple and so small that you haven’t even realized it.  Maybe you can do things on your own and you don’t need God because you are already talented, naturally gifted. Frankly, things come easily to you so you havent actually had to worry about any of this stuff.

No matter how sturdy any of those things seem to be, they can and will fall.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to stand when the things and achievements that we are standing on can easily fall and crumble beneath our own two feet. No matter what it is, whether a talent, gift, experience, accomplishment, ANYTHING apart from God cannot define us.

Our identity has to be solely in the Lord and who he says we are; we can never be stripped of that.

This is a hard lesson to learn.  No matter who you are, at some point you have placed your identity and defined yourself based upon different experiences, accomplishments, talents, etc., in your life.  It is not something you do intentionally; most often you won’t even realize you have done it.   But if you truly desire to become who God has created you to be, he will begin to strip you of the things that you have built your identity upon that is not him. He will take away the things that you depended on because He wants you to depend solely on Him. He will strip you of the things that you felt strong in in order to teach you that apart from him you are not strong.  It is only in His strength that you can accomplish anything.  Sure, for a short time you are capable of doing things on your own, but sooner or later those THINGS will be knocked from underneath you and you will be forced to choose what you will do. Will you search for another mask and hide yourself in something else in order to keep up the face of someone who has it all together? Or will you surrender and humbly acknowledge that you need God’s strength and without him you are nothing.  The latter is painful, but it takes you through a beautiful process of changing and becoming the person that God has created you to be.  Yes, it is painful to see that you are not who you thought you were. It is painful to realize that all you had built up has fallen to nothing.  It is difficult to see that the positive things that categorized and defined you, no longer exist and you are left standing naked in front of others… and you have nothing to hide behind. You may be forced to just be yourself and that is the best thing. It is ok if you are not perfect, to be perfect is an unrealistic expectation. And if those around you expect that of you, maybe you need new friends.  The true friends will see the real you, the broken and imperfect person, and they will embrace you as you are. And hopefully, God willing, they will feel the freedom to embrace their own imperfections and see that they are in need of God’s strength and begin to depend on him for grace and strength as well.

 It is a hard process but I believe this is where we need to come to in order to truly recognize that we are NOTHING without God.  This is where we find who we truly are and begin to discover who our God is. I believe that this is often where we need to be brought in order to realize our complete dependence on God. It is during this time that we come humbly before the Lord because we have recognized our own failures and imperfections and we can no longer hide from them. They have been put in front of our face and we can no longer hide behind the walls we have put up for so long. We can no longer hide behind our strengths because for some reason they are not there.  You don’t know where to grab hold of because everything you were holding on to has disappeared.  Grab hold of God, his strength will get you through each and every day.   As you do this you will slowly and painfully begin to embrace and come face to face with who God is creating you to be.  Be ready to embrace the imperfections and be willing to admit that you are completely dependent on God and apart from him you can do nothing.

I come Humbly accepting that I am completely dependent upon God for Everything.

On LOVE...

I should probably be the last person writing on love right now, because I feel like it is not in me. I don’t understand it. I do not comprehend the love of our God at ALL. How he loves us so unconditionally is impossible for me to grasp or wrap my mind around.

I think of the people that frustrate me, irritate me; or the people who have hurt me or my loved ones. I think about the people who are ungrateful, picky, mean, selfish, judgmental, self-centered, the liars, thieves, etc., the list goes on. When I think of those people or when they are put in my life and I have to stand face to face with them it is almost as if I have put a mirror in front of my face: I see that I am also one of “those” people in more ways than one! Despite my efforts and my goals to be this great person, I see that behind it all is the ugliness that I so often see in others. I see that I am the liar, I am the selfish person, I am the picky person who irritates others at times; I am ungrateful… I am all of those things at different times to different people. I am the things that I see and dislike in others. But how could that be?! “Those” people are the people I have the hardest time loving! Maybe even though I don’t realize it, God is showing me the things that are in me. It’s as if he shows them to me and I try to push it away and say, “NO GOD! That is NOT who I am!! Please God, help me! I want you to love me, I don’t want to be one of those people! I want to be the person who loves you and others perfectly. I want to be the one that pleases you! I want to hear the words, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant!’ Please God, tell me that I am not that person you just showed to me.”

But the truth is, I am so far from where I wish I was. I am so far from the person that God has created me to be. It is as those times that I begin to see what is really in my heart and I am discouraged and even disgusted. “How could this be? Lord, I have sought you and desired to love you more than anything! How can I be the person that is sitting back and judging those around me? How can I be speaking, thinking or looking negatively on those around me? THOSE are your sons and daughters! THOSE people are the ones who you love more than anything! Why would I ever think I am better than them in any way? Who am I Lord? Who am I to judge your children?!?!”

I see the truth that is in my heart and I am hit to the ground.  “Lord, I am so unholy. I don’t even deserve your love! I don’t even deserve to…” He stops me mid-sentence and says:

“Daughter (Son),… my love is not for those who deserve it. My love is not conditional and it is not based on who you are or what you  do or DO NOT do. My love for you is everlasting and does not waiver for anything.” I guess I have not fully received and accepted the love that God has for me, because His love is not flowing through me onto others the way it should. It puts me face to face with a mirror that shows me that I am not who I thought I was. The thoughts, the heart attitude and the actions that follow are far from what they should be and it is discouraging and frustrating to realize that although I thought I had come so far, I have missed the essential part of EVERYTHING…Love.

The hard truth is that no one deserves God’s love.  And there is such beauty in that truth. Thank goodness (no thank GOD) that His love is for everyone and not just for those who deserve it, because I would not be on the list of those who deserve it and I don’t think you would be either. It’s just that none of us deserve God’s love and yet he freely gives it. He sent His son Jesus to earth to die on a cross for our sins. Jesus was perfect, BLAMELESS, without sin and he died for our sins! Now that is love. The thing I can’t get my mind around is when I picture Jesus hanging on the cross after being beaten and tortured practically to death by these people—and he says “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:32-34). These people have just done the worst to him and they are about to kill him and Jesus prays to the Lord asking for forgiveness for their sins. WOW, we have an amazing Savior. This is a love beyond our comprehension.

We can look all throughout the 4 Gospels and see that Jesus never had anything but love for those around him. He always made time for them and found ways to show them their potential, value and worth. I would encourage you to look up the story of the Samaritan woman in John chapter 4. This woman was the type of person people would not want to be seen even speaking with. She was the “outcast” and it could ruin your reputation among others if you were seen speaking to her.  Men in particular would not speak with her, but it was also uncommon for men to speak with women in public in general.  And yet Jesus comes and speaks with her, showing her that he knows her, he knows her background, she is valuable and worth his time. Not only did he love those who were desperately alone and in need of love, he loved those who treated him as though he was nothing. Those who flogged him, mocked him, spat on him…He loved them all.  And I have a hard time loving the people who just irritate me a little? I have nothing to compare and no reason to complain:

I need a heart change.

The real thing I need is to RECEIVE the love that has been freely given to me. Once I begin to accept and receive this love with the knowledge that it is not because I deserve it or because of anything I have done, then I can begin to walk freely in God’s love. I will no longer feel that I have to do everything right in order to please God and earn his love; and I will also be able to give His love freely to those around me.  God is love, and he loves us whether we want it or not. If we accept and receive it, we will begin to allow it to flow through us onto others; yes, even the people who are seemingly “impossible” to love. Jesus also has these words to say to us:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy’. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” (Matthew 5:43-44)

That seems impossible right? To love our enemies and pray for those people who are persecuting us and making our lives more difficult?  The truth is that those are the people who need the love the most. Those people who are the hardest to love are usually that way because they do not have love in their own lives. They have not received God’s love and they may not have ever had anyone in their lives show them what real love looks like. Wouldn’t you love to have the opportunity to be the first person to show someone real love? The kind of love that they have longed and hoped for and yet never been exposed to?? It sounds appealing and exciting when you think about it, but it may not be as easy as it sounds once the opportunity comes your way. We must receive God’s love in order to truly love those around us. We cannot do it in our own strength and efforts. Remember, our human love is conditional and circumstantial; it is only God’s love that is unconditional and never-ending. So we can do it in His strength!

So maybe you are like me, and are in a place where you feel like the love is not pouring out of you; or maybe feeling discouraged about the fact that you are so far from where you would like to be.  My encouragement to you is that we are in the process of being changed and restored. God is working in us and each day he is helping us to grow stronger and to become the people he created us to be. But we also have to ask for the changes, desire the growth, seek Him and allow Him to make the changes in us and through us.  It may not be an easy process. It may take a lot of sacrificing and time…but the beauty that comes through the ashes will be worth every difficult moment. I would encourage you to watch this music video; it was an encouragement to me today!

The hope??? Watch this video:

http://youtu.be/yU2drg8FtBg

And maybe you are in a place where God is working through you and pouring his love onto all those around you, and if that is true, MORE POWER TO YOU! Praise GodJ Keep relying on God’s strength and spreading his love to everyone you meet; we need more people like you in our world, that’s for sure!!

May you be blessed, encouraged and may God pour His love all over you until it is overflowing to those around you. Go out and love someone.

MUST SEE: Lifehouse "Everything"

I'm really not much of a T.V. Junkie, but when Ben and I are traveling on the road for work, sometimes there really isnt much else to do! So tonight we watched American Idol and saw Colton get voted off. Colten was one that we liked simply because we had seen one of the first episodes where he auditioned and remembered him (we havent really kept up with much this season) But tonight I grew to like him a whole lot more. He was kicked off and had to sing his goodbye song and chose "Everything" by Lifehouse. He began the song on his knees and throughout the song raised his hands in praise to God. He even sang it out loud, "You're all I want, You're all I need, GOD, you're everything." It was a powerful moment watching and I definitely started to cry. ( I get emotional about things I'm passionate about, and seeing someone give praise to God, especially in public is something I find so amazing).

Anyways, the song that he sang reminded me of this skit. I have seen it a few times and I cry just about every time. It is such a powerful and touching video, please watch! Especially if you have never seen it!


Click Here---> Powerful skit... God loves you so much!